Hard to  believe it’s been so long since I’ve written.   It’s good, I guess. Not sure what calls me to write tonight, except that I’m home alone for a short time, I’m feeling the guilt of old news on this page, and I’m wondering if I could bring better order or attitude to  life if I gave it concentrated thought, as writing requires me to do. 

Shayley is a 5th grader these days, 10 years old (she was only 7 when I first starting writing to you all.) Charlie’s a full-time nursing student now, as well as working 15 to 20 hours per week. Our chickens starting laying eggs a couple months ago–Yum! And Tater must also now share our attention with 4 new kittens we just found here a few weeks ago!

Work has been very busy for me, which is good, except sometimes I over-commit myself. I enjoy my work, but sometimes I get too caught up in it. I was reminded of that earlier  this week when I was late picking Shayley up and later in the evening she casually referred to me as a workaholic. There are worse things, to be sure, but I’ve always tried hard not to be that–or not to have her know it at least. The vow I made in my head, then,  this week to leave work on time most days has brought on a torrent of unexpected “urgencies” at quitting time  that beg for me to return one more phone call, one more email, etc.

This brings back to mind a question a work peer asked me recently on a visit to Richmond. I hadn’t made that trip for three years. Knowing something of my medical history, he said, straight away, what is it that you have been  left here on this earth to do?

Hm. I didn’t have a good answer for him and I still don’t. I feel that I should. Literally the night before that, we had some friends over and watched a Rob Bell video in which he was really getting at the same thing . . . We rush here and there and rush, rush, rush, but what is our purpose really?

In the broadest sense, I know the answer to this–I am here to bring glory to God, my Creator. That includes sharing his love and forgiveness with the world in word and deed. But what is unique to me–what about my life, my opportunities, my strengths, my weaknesses  can  make a difference for someone?  And how?

Is it doing everything I’m doing now? Is it doing less than I’m doing and being more focused on a few things? Charlie constantly reminds me that I need to exercise (to help my osteoporosis and reduce risk of recurrence.) I always put that at the bottom of the list, because it seems  less important than preparing meals or working or time with Shayley or helping Charlie with something.  It seems selfish. And yet, rationally I know that on occasion we have to be selfish in the near term if we hope to be around for the long term. Pray for me on this. When I have limited energy, the last thing I want to do is “waste it” on an exercise bike when I have so many other things that need doing.

But what is my specific purpose? What should  I be focused on?

Another reason I haven’t written for a long while is that it seems there are so many tragedies striking friends and neighbors. I’ve felt helpless and writing about our trivialities and joys feels like misplaced energy. Whenever cancer is the problem, I especially feel like I should have or find some practical wisdom to help–a doctor referal, or food that might stay down during treatment. In reality, there are no magic words.  I should know that prayers and a heartfelt card or email go a long, long way in lightening the load for a bit.

Alas, Charlie and Shayley just arrived home so I shall close. As so many of you have prayed for my life to be spared, I gratefully now ask that you pray that I will spend each day wisely, by God’s  eternal standards of Faith, Hope and Love.

Gratefully,

Lydeana

I just want to ask you for special prayer tonight. After being light-headed/dizzy for the past few days, my doctors decided I should have a MRI of my brain. So I had that tonight at Lewis-Gale. I’m mostly OK when I sit down, but Charlie has kindly been my designated driver this week.

My prayer is that this dizziness is from something easy and fixable and not a tumor or anything. We’ll keep you posted. Thank you for your prayers,

Lydeana

Had a follow-up appointment at Dr. Fintel’s office in Salem on Monday. As much as I love the staff there it is hard to go into the Cancer center. I can’t stand the memories conjured up by the smells there. Yet, it was very good to be able to go there by myself and the stats were generally positive. My white count had been really low back on December 1 at Duke, and it was up a little. My weight was up to 116, which means I’ve gained 4 lbs in the last 3 months! They scheduled me to see a few other doctors in the next few months, in addition to my follow up at Duke in April.

Just yesterday I learned about cancer claiming the life of two people in the area, one I knew and one I didn’t. One was sudden, one wasn’t. Then last night, the TV show Bones was about a teenage girl dealing with terminal cancer. I dealt with these better than I would have even a month ago, but still, it pinches the mind. I really appreciate all of you who have let me know you’re still praying for me.

Also, I have two special prayer requests–one for Karen Mayer who has been such an encouraging friend to us; she’s having eye surgery tomorrow then carotid artery surgery on the 11th. Also, please pray for Lisa Lewis who is a close friend of one of our prayer warriors in far southwest Virginia.

Shayley mentioned a couple days ago that she’s starting to think about her next book. I was kind of surprised to hear that since she’s been caught up in “product development” of late–for children’s toys and cat food, mostly! Isn’t it wonderful to dream?

Tater contemplates heading into the fresh snow.

Tater has been having a lot of sweet dreams lately as he’s gotten to stay upstairs (rather than the basement) more than usual this winter with the snow, wind and cold. And typically about this time of year I start dreaming up my next garden, but that’s a bit hard to muster when the temperature hasn’t even risen above freezing for a week or two!

Shayley measures the snow.

Speaking of rising, Charlie’s working on his sourdough bread right now. A few days ago he made cinnamon raisin sourdough which was SO GOOD!

Well that’s it from our little corner of the world. Next scheduled doctors appointment is mid-February, which means more than a month without a doctor. That hasn’t happened in a long time. Maybe I’ll soon learn to write about something else.

Thank you for your prayers.

Love,

Lydeana

We’ve had a wonderful Christmas season—with more time than usual at home together thanks to the winter weather.

We’re doing the last organizing and analyzing of the year and it will very soon be time to file it away. As difficult as it has been, 2009 was an improvement over 2008 because I got to spend more of 2009 at home. I was at my primary care doctor’s office last week and on checking me over she said, “I don’t think I know what some of these scars are.” So, I preceded to describe them, a map, really, of the last couple years: from little pot-holes of IV and vaccination scars to larger knife-roads for everything from mole removals to liver resection, to a big interstate scar used 3 times for intestinal surgeries.  Invisible marks of toxins are on my nervous system (my left foot still largely numb and my left hand still sensitive to metal and cold). The depths of pain, sickness and helplessness seared my mind. I don’t want to go back to the dark times, but sometimes they come to me uninvited. I’m not sure if there’s something more I should learn from them or not. If so, I pray I can learn it through mental exercise rather than having to physically go through it again.

 But it was all worth it, of course, to survive to this point. Very well worth it and I am grateful to God that I am alive and here with my family: to hear Shayley play O Beautiful Star of Bethlehem on the piano; to see Charlie conquer the first semester of Anatomy and Physiology, Jordan her first semester of medical school, Jaxon his first “semester” of pre-school and Asa his first semester of life; to enjoy great food and fellowship at my brother’s home; to worship and study with our church family; to play setback around our dining room table with my mom, Shayley and Charlie as the snow fell; to see the joy on all faces as the kids unwrapped presents at my Mom’s on Christmas Eve. These and the regular evenings spent at home eating, playing and working together are the rich moments of this present world.

Yet my mind flickers at times to trials—my own and others. A strange place to be reading this season, but I have found myself reading the little book of Lamentations lately. Set while the Hebrew people are taken away into Babylonian exile, it is one of those dark moments of human existence—human sacrifice, cannibalism, slaughter of children—wide-spread, off-the-chart devastation and suffering. It feels selfish to even compare personal trials to the words this brought,  and yet I find myself doing that. Beginning in Lamentations 3:19 it reads:

                I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,

                                The taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed.

                I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—

                                The feeling of hitting the bottom.

                But there’s one other thing I remember,

                                And remembering, I keep a grip on hope.

                God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out,

                                His merciful love couldn’t have dried up.

                They’re created new every morning.

                                How great your faithfulness!

                I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over).

 Yes, as prepare to wake up in a new year, I’m glad that God’s mercy is new every morning! I’m glad for a merry, mountain-top experience of late! And yet, this passage reminds me of those in this world who know no hope—those suppressed under merciless regimes, those whose children are starving, those whose loved ones have been taken from them, those children who have no parents, or those who have been abused.

 The writer of Lamentations  goes on to say:

                God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,

                                To the woman who diligently seeks.

                It’s a good thing to quietly hope,

                                Quietly hope for help from God.

                It’s a good thing when you’re young

                                To stick it out through the hard times.

                When life is heavy and hard to take,

                                Go off by yourself. Enter the silence.

                Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions:

                                Wait for hope to appear.

                Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face.

                                The ‘worst’ is never the worst.

                Why? Because the Master won’t ever

                                Walk out and fail to return.

                If he works severely, he also works tenderly.

                                His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.

                He takes no pleasure in making life hard,

                                In throwing roadblocks in the way.

                Stomping down hard

                                On luckless prisoners,

                Refusing justice to victims

                                In the court of the High God,

                Tampering with evidence—

                                The Master does not approve of such things.

 Suffering is universal, but hope also is possible for all. Having experience hope against odds, I pray that I can be part of spreading that Hope.

 As usual Shayley got a Christmas gift this year that she didn’t request. Often she does not especially appreciate these surprises, at least not at first. This year it was a globe. Not a fancy globe  electronic globe that spouts out numbers and facts, just a simple rotating ball marked off with lines and colors that are land and water and words that are nations and cities of people. In this era, more amazing than how many places we have heard of were how many we have not.  I got her the globe because it’s so much easier to understand places that way than on a paper map. And grasping locations encourages us to appreciate the people who live there.  (As at the doctor’s office, lines have stories.)

Perhaps my illness has been an unrequested gift, or at least can be used as such, to help me perceive and understand pain and suffering and despair, so that I can better appreciate the people who live there? My hope for 2009 is that I can be less focused on my own stories and more on others’, so I can better serve God and my fellow man and woman.

 We will generally plan to move away from our “update” emails and instead ask that you check the 3martins.com blog if you wish. If you want to be notified by email when something new is posted there, you can click on “Email Subscription” on the top right of that web-page.

 Again, thank you all so much for your thoughts and continuing prayers.

With love,

Lydeana

Dear Friends,

 I’m still rejoicing in the good news from last week! Thank you so much for your prayers and encouraging words.

Christmas is so exciting this year. I finished my shopping before the time at Duke last week, just in case. So, we were able to enjoy the snow Saturday and not stress over any need to start shopping. My strength is really good now and I was able to sleigh ride and throw snowballs with Shayley and Charlie. We also listened to Christmas music and put up the tree Saturday as the snow was coming down!

 The great thing about playing in the snow Saturday is I also felt no overwhelming urge to get pictures of us. We were able to enjoy it entirely in the moment without thoughts pressing on me about the need to capture it in case it were the last time.

 Sunday morning our pastor had emailed that we should feel free to have service at home if we were worried in the least about the safety of getting out. He also said that if anyone in the house plays the piano, to ask them to play! SO, we decided to do that. Shayley thought I was making that part up about the piano, so I had to show it to her! So, she sounded out a couple hymns for us on the piano. She also caught us up on what her Sunday School class has been studying recently. They are studying Acts and had just finished reading about Stephen (Acts 6 and 7). What incredibly rich chapters! Stephen was a person of great faith in Christ, but people spread lies about him, saying that he had cursed God and Moses. In the end, they stoned him to death, based on the lies of others. Stephen’s final words were to God on behalf of the people murdering him with words and stones, asking that He “not blame them for this sin.” What incredible faith, what amazing grace.

 We talked about how his words echoed Jesus’ words on the cross, both dying words from men probably bleeding to death. We also talked about how Stephen was a martyr that spurred the spreading of Good News. We talked about how it reminded us of Joseph and how his brothers lied about him, but he ended up rising up to help his brothers; and Joseph noted in the end that what other people intend for evil, God used for good.

 Saul of Tarsus was watching on as Stephen was murdered. Saul was the master prosecutor of Christians.  But he was struck down one day, and woke up with a different vision. Being knocked down was terrifying at first, I’m sure, but it changed his life forever as he came to know Christ himself. And he went on, now called Paul, to pen much of the New Testament.

 It was a good study for us. We seldom understand why bad things happen, but we can trust that God can use it for good.

 Yesterday I was back at Duke for the day so they could get two skin biopsies and 10 vials of blood for their research purposes for the clinical trial I just completed. Another patient and I are the last two in the study—done on 72 people at 5 cancer centers around the country. The doctor told me that they may not have final stats on the study for another year or two, but that it looks encouraging that the vaccines may delay cancer recurrences for some people. I was chatting with the phlebotomist who was drawing my blood and she mentioned that she had donated blood cells a while back for a clinical trial. She had to lay still for 4 hours as they withdraw her blood, she said. The more we talked, I began to realize that it was my clinical trial that she had donated blood for. It was a great moment, being face to face with the person who had voluntarily shed 4 hours of blood to help other people she didn’t even know.

 It reminded me of Stephen, and, moreover, Jesus.

 Christmas is so exciting.

 Thank you all for your prayers.

 Love,

Lydeana

Dear Friends,

    Today went well compared to usual.  Lydeana had a headache and the half of her body on the side of the injection hurt when she went to bed last night and when she woke up this morning.  She didn’t have a fever this time but slept half the day and woke up feeling some better.   The injection site is a much angrier red than usual because they didn’t cover it at all this time except with a bandaid.   She is still a little stiff and off balance this evening, but none the worse for wear.

    The truly odd thing is that the last couple of times we came down we would watch TV before going to bed and she ended up liking a show called Bones.   Just another graphic forensics show with typical plots and character dynamics.   The odd part is that throughout this process she hasn’t been very interested in much of a bodily graphic nature for obvious reasons. The wind took out the satellite during the climax of the show and she actually called the front desk to complain. 

    The show is interesting for me because I understand what they’re talking about in the parts relating to anatomy.  The sad part is I don’t understand what they’re talking about in scenes with character relationships.  No wonder I was scared of girls in high school.

    Since we didn’t go anywhere today we were not forced to sit in front of a flat screen with CNN as the institutional banner so I am ignorant of Tigers plight today. Thank Goodness!

 Again, thank you for your prayers.

 Love,

Charlie

Dear Friends,

I’m writing to let you know that I’ve had my strongest, most “normal” week in a long, long time.  Thanks be to God!

 Back during chemo, Shayley had commented that she couldn’t remember what it was like before I had cancer. That broke my heart. But by a few more months, I could scarcely remember either. Thankfully, THIS WEEK it has been coming back to us—as I not only worked all week, but also managed to have some energy left to do a few things in the evenings—including going to my first PTA meeting in a year. (I got to see Shayley win a blue ribbon for writing. Yeah!)

 This weekend has been especially good, as I was able to go Christmas shopping for about 90 minutes by myself yesterday. I was able to walk around that entire time. Even two weeks ago I couldn’t have done half of that—I would have still needed the buggy you ride in. It is such a WONDERFUL thing to not only still be walking by the end of the day, but to be doing so in  a pretty normal gait, rather than the slumped shuffle I had so long. I’m not ready to run any marathons—and am  tired today, but it’s a more normal tired and not the complete exhaustion as before.  I think I am finally stabilized and strong enough to begin exercising again this week.

 This weekend has been reminiscent of good times in years past  in several ways. Friday night we all sat in the living room together and watched the old TV show called Benson. Then, as some of you know, Charlie used to make wonderful sourdough bread all the time. Yesterday morning he put together “starter” for the first time in years. Then, he got to go hunting yesterday afternoon and brought home a nice size buck. So this afternoon we’ve had the tenderloins and sour dough and are preparing to can and jerk the rest of the deer.

 It is not lost on me that a year ago today we were driving to Durham for my liver surgery the next day. Things looked pretty bad going into that surgery, but God has allowed me another year despite the advanced nature of the disease then. I am so grateful for that and to all of you all who have helped us in so many, many ways.

 So many times we wonder why bad things happen. Have you ever heard anyone question why good things happen?  We are such self-confident creatures that we tend to think that we deserve only what we perceive as good. We also tend to rely on our “own strength” as long as things are going well. I know that I’m guilty of that. We tend to seek guidance or help only in desperation.

 In fact, Shayley and I were playing an electronic spelling game one night this week. I had started the game and got to a certain point, then she took over and gradually advanced to a higher difficulty level. Then I took over again and was trying to get her to stop helping me. She said, “Mom, I’m the one who got you to this point, why won’t you let me help you.”

 Those words keep rattling in my head. As I’ve finally gained strength and set about to accomplish things myself, I wonder if God has whispered that in my ear?

 Our visiting pastor today was talking about this being the day we especially celebrate Jesus is King. She commented on how it is so much easier to see Jesus as Savior, and thus think of his work as largely passed, when in fact, as King and Lord, he wants to be an active part of our everyday life. I think if I did that, it would take so much pressure off and would help me celebrate Thanksgiving every day of the year.

 Wishing you all a great Thanksgiving, and please know how very thankful we are for you.

 With love,

Lydeana

Dear Friends,

 Thank you so much for your prayers. Charlie did hear back from the instructor last night and while he can’t re-take this exam, she’s going to allow  the next one to count double. He was enormously relieved.

 Unfortunately, by the time this got resolved last night, some tummy discomfort I was having turned into horrendous pain again. After about 30 minutes of that, we called my sister-in-law, Vicky, and she came to stay with Shayley right away so we could go to the ER. We arrived shortly before midnight and thankfully I started feeling better without pain medicine. We got back home about 3:30 this morning. I am SO grateful to Vicky for coming all the way over here to stay with Shayley. Shayley woke up spryly at 7:30 this morning never knowing we had been gone.

Also, thank so much to those of you who have volunteered to help out with the table at the festival this weekend. While I’m not in severe pain this morning, my tummy is sore and I’m exhausted, of course, from being up all night with drunk college students for hospital roommates. I’m not going to try to conquer the world today.

I’m not sure what caused this episode. I’m fairly convinced that stress played a role somehow, though I mentioned that to the doctor last time and he didn’t seem to think so.  This also has happened at or near the end of the week both times, so I wonder if fatigue is a factor. Please pray that there are no major problems.

 Love,

Lydeana

We’ve been having a pretty good week. Last evening Shayley, Mom and I got the last of the summer stuff in from the garden. I thought I put pictures as a new post on the blog last night, but realized tonight that I accidentally put it as a new page. Anyway, it’s located here . . .

 http://3martins.com/food-and-critters-around-our-house/

 Charlie’s having a difficult day. He’s been working so hard amidst his appraisal business, his three part-time jobs, his anatomy and physiology class, and chauffeuring me to the doctor. A mix-up happened today and he missed a big A&P exam. He emailed and left a voice mail message for the professor about 5 hours ago that he had thought the exam was tomorrow but hasn’t heard a word. We’re just praying that she’ll allow him to take it tomorrow, even if she deducts a letter grade or something. We fear this may jeopardize the whole class for him this semester, which would delay the nursing program another year. Please pray that this will get resolved in a good way, soon. Tonight he’s so miserable, not knowing.

 Not knowing seems to be a theme for us this week. I still have the sore knots that seem to be lymph nodes. My regular check-up with Dr. Fintel is Monday so I’ll see if he thinks I should go back to Duke early. My next scheduled appointment at Duke is October 13. I don’t know if there’s a way they could tell for sure if it’s just a reaction to the shot; perhaps an elevated white count would suggest that, but I’m not sure. Dr. Fintel’s office always does blood work, so hopefully I’ll know the white count soon.

 I continue to get exhausted easily. I’m kind of regretting reserving a table at the Arts and Crafts festival in Floyd this weekend. I know I can’t do it all day and I regret pulling  Charlie away from his other stuff for the afternoon. Oh well, live and learn.

 It seems there’s so much loss and hurt and pain in our community tonight. I’m praying for those who have lost loved ones, jobs, or the sense of security that good health provides.

With love,

Lydeana